It’s a sad day when a man like Jesse Helms dies.  Here you have an old fashioned rootin’ tootin’ sumbitch that ate meat right off the leg and made his cousins cum like a train whistle.  Let’s take a career retrospective and look back on a decidedly manly career:

• In 1950, Helms doctored photos of a political opponent to show his wife dancing with a black man (that filthy race traiting slut…)
• In 1983, he opposed Martin Luther King Day due to King’s ties to communists and extra-marital affairs (rriiigghhttt).
• Regularly took contributions from tobacco companies in order to support North Carolina’s rigid tobacco economy, effectively telling liberals to suck it in favor of the people he represented.
• Advocated building a wall over the University of North Carolina in order to contain its “liberal” views.
• Probably never sucked another man’s dick (probably).

All of these fantastic bullet points align to showcase a magnificent senator who will be sorely missed by southern men over the age of 104.  Thank you, Jesse Helms, for pissing off more liberals than Bill O’Reily can even fathom on his brightest day.

Your life was like sunshine in an autumn shade, a breeze through my pants after a fit of jogging, the tickle of a feather on the end of my cock after enjoying a ham sandwich.  Thank you, Jesse.  Thank you.

Obama blasts Bush, McCain over ‘attacks’

True to form, the liberal media has come out full force in shaping Obama’s image in order to hide his weaknesses.  Only in America could a career politician from Harvard Law be painted as a club carrying, principled badass by the media.  Suddenly, with his new remarks picking apart Bush and Mccain’s rather pedestrian political “attacks,” the media has crowned him “tougher” than John Kerry, a status that belongs to anything with more street cred than a marshmallow.

As the media continues to ramp up Obama’s image of infalibility and resolute toughness in unity with its liberal agenda, they’ll need to find new ways to describe his rather bland and pointless ways of “counterattacking” Republicans.  Everytime his idealist, bullshit perspective on the world is brought into check by conservatives, a new title will be bestowed on Obama when he gets on his podium and screams “Uhmm, uuhhh, THAT’S NOT FAIR, WWAAAAAA, I’M BLACK AND I SPEAK GOOD SO THAT MEANS YOU’RE UNFAIR, WAAAAHHHH.”

Soon, Obama will be compared aptly to Winston Churchill, John Wayne, and He Man.  Millions of college-aged women will become moist when they see his bony frame shoved into jeans, wagging his long bony finger as he lectures others on what he perceives to be “fair” on the campaign trail.  The phrase “same old Washington politics” will be coincidentally repeated every time someone disagrees with his pacifist, useless views.  His personal agenda will be pushed on the American people like a low dose of Prozac.  All the while, the media will portray him as an “OMFG tough guy” despite the fact his wife really, really resembles Buckwheat.

Get ready for the spin, ladies and gents, this is where it starts.  God, I really, really hate this guy.

Barbara Walters: I had affair with U.S. senator

Just when you thought it was safe to make it through a whole day without thinking about 90-year old cooter, Barbra Walters decides to boost her book sales by admitting to railing U.S. Senator Edward Brooke a billion years ago.  Of course, this is 10 minutes before she goes on Oprah and takes a huge crap on some poor woman’s marriage in order to snatch as much attention and money as she can before she keels over.  I dunno, I get the feeling the timing is a bit CONVENIENT.

If I wanted to know about what was in Barbra Walter’s snizz thirty years ago, I would seduce her using my intense male charm and then bust out a mining helmet and 40 feet of mountain rope.  Man, what a journey that would be.  I bet I’d find dust from Tiennamen Square, chunks of the Berlin Wall, and a Skeeball machine.  God this woman is old, people need to stop aging, it’s annoying.

I wanted to make sure you all knew that a journalist icon has decided to become a liberal attention whore at the age of 104.  Apparently it’s never too late to take drastic measures to feel special or to pull a Tori Spelling and make up random shit to boost book sales.  I guess I’ll wait until I’m 112 before I go on Oprah and admit I had hot gay sex with Hugh Downs.  That old bastard can PUMP.

Though the 43rd president of the United States has turned into a bit of a megaterd in the last four years of his presidency, he is still good for one thing: putting down pesky whippersnappers.  In a heated exchange with reporter Martha Raddatz, Bush turned on his inner grandpa and smacked the podium as if to say: “Get off my lawn.”

In addition, he used the word “awesome” when describing her uppity antincs.  Either Dubya has become a fan of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or he’s trying to appeal to the surfer demographic.  Totally rad.

What we’re seeing is the slow morphing of our nation’s leader into a legend of the silver screen: Mr. Potter.  In the film “It’s a Wonderful Life,” Mr. Potter took the following amount of bullshit: zero.  Seriously, I filled a measuring cup with it, and it was MFin’ empty.  This is why Mr. Potter is the biggest pimp in Sugar Daddy Valley.  Seriously, everyone else in that movie was miserable as fuck except for Poppy Potter.  You didn’t see him jumping off a bridge and crying into his breakfast cereal, did you?  Hell no, Mr. Potter was tempered by cold hearted capitalism and a mattress stuffed with money that he stole from an orphanage.  Now THAT’S a wonderful life.

George Bush wants you to knock off the racket.  Then, he’s gonna take over your Savings and Loan right before he rips out your heart and shoves it in you face.  Awesome.

Social networking causes 18-year old students and 22-year old teachers to realize their maturity levels are identical.  In this case, a 30 year old is still reveling in showing da world what she workin’ wit.  Unfortunately, the editorial staff of newspapers tend to share the same love for smut and bikini pics.

The Palm Beach Post decided it was in the public interest and a major journalistic front to post 13 pictures of a local teacher who was “possibly” fired for working on the side as a bikini model (somethin’ tells me those rocking tattoos had something to do with it as well).  No photos were necessary and only one was needed to identify the woman.  Instead, we get a slide show of, what appears to be, hardcore trailer titties.  They even refer to her as “buxom” about 1,412 times in the article, just in case we forget she is mildly attractive during our reading.

To top it all off, the chick wasn’t even fired for a bikini or boob related reason.  In a cheap attempt to gain viewership, The Palm Beach Post has caused Florida mothers to launder thousands of sticky gym socks.  Dirtbags.

So….alright hold on, I just got a bloody nose…

Al Franken is a tax cheat?

So you have a fanatic liberal who pushes for big government spending and chastises corporate tax cheats and…

Hold on I just passed a kidney stone…

Oh man, seriously, fuck this guy.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,353052,00.html

Just when you thought children could have an idol again, San-Fran bag of shit photographer Annie Leibovitz took the short route to name recognition this week.  Instead of shooting 15-year old Miley Cyrus for a Vanity Fair spread in classical, tasteful poses, she wrapped the poor girl in a bed sheet and fired up the liberal media train to help slowly bleed America’s soul into submission.

Pre-teen girls across the country are getting earfuls about the whorish tendencies of their favorite singer.  Meanwhile, the sagging tits and bruised ego of Annie Leibovitz are revitalized at the cost of a young girl’s decency.

Will you look at those veiny funbags?

No wonder she has to mooch off a teenage girl’s prominence just to feel good in the morning.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/04/29/hofmann.obit.ap/index.html

To ensure their base of burned out baby boomers another pointless reason to remember the 60s, CNN made sure the world knew the inventor of LSD, Albert Hofmann, bit the shit at age 102.

In a moral society, the inventor of a cancerous drug such as LSD would die….QUIETLY.

In addition, when was the last time anyone who died at 102 was plastered all over cable news?  George friggin’ Burns?  How come this shithead gets more attention?

Because amoral aging fucks who failed at life enjoy one last reason to light up, that’s why.  Goddamn hippies, sucking up my social security.

In another stammering speech filled with uhms and uhs to fill the void left by years of Muslim terrorism, Barrack Obama condemned his personal spiritual savior of 20 years for suddenly becoming batshit crazy.

“I cannot prevent him from making these remarks,” Obama said, “But when I say I find these comments appalling, I mean it.”

HOLD THE PHONE FOLKS, HE MEANS IT.  FUCK!

I can’t wait for this beige vagina to have his hand on the big red button.  If he had any wherewithal he would paint this man as an outright loon and make up a butt train of bullhonkus to try and climb his way out of this cesspool.  Here’s a few suggestions:

1. “I never actually listened to his sermons, I was listening to NPR on my iPod.”
2. “I could never hear what he was preaching, he was drowned out by the sound of how awesome I am.”
3. “My wife looks like Buckwheat.”

Any of these hardened political strategies would have made an Obama-Mama out of me.

The mission of liberalsareworthless.com is to provide a constant watch on the disgusting, horrendous, and utterly useless psychosis known as “liberal politics.”  The amoral, communist hoards trying to rule the world through subversion and sympathy whoring must be stopped no matter what the cost.  What must they now fear that they have never feared before?

ME, THAT’S WHAT.

I am pissier than a menstruating badger.  The only thing I hate more than Barrack Obama is Barrack Obama smiling (his smile kills sunshine, seriously, read a physics book, it is the anti-sun).  If you want some seriously absurd, and yet brutally honest, observations on all things encompassing liberal slime, you’ve found your sanctuary.

Welcome friends, let’s begin.